Every relationship has fights. If you’re in a relationship and you don’t at least scoff and roll your eyes at your partner from time to time, something is seriously wrong. When you’re in a relationship you’re expected to agree on most things, not everything. There will be times where both people just cannot see eye to eye; so instead of agreeing to disagree like adults, we fight (argue not take a swing). When arguments come up, we need to hash it out — like kids arguing over who started it.
Andy and I argue from time to time despite having an unwavering relationship. Most times it’s over some petty sh*t — like one time we started to argue because he didn’t bring me a muffin at work; but sometimes it gets really serious. He sure as hell knows how to push all the right buttons to get me going and I get really bitter when he does. In the heat of the moment we end up saying things hurtful that we don’t mean. Whether big or small, how we choose to deal with our conflicts can either make or break our relationships. So, how do we fight in a healthy way to not jeopardise our relationship?
- Do not get physically violent —Absolutely under no circumstances should you take a strike, push or hit your partner. A lot of women think it is okay to lay hands on their guy but when he retaliates, she’s the world’s number one victim. A man should not hit a woman, similarly being a woman doesn’t make it okay to raise your hand at a man. Just don’t do it. Slapping a man across his face strikes his identity. Pushing and hitting a man, just like any other human being with feelings, can aggravate him and drive him to either hit you back or walk away from the argument, leaving it unresolved.
- Don’t belittle your partner — Disrespecting, criticising and putting down your partner’s character during an argument (or at any time) will make them feel inferior. This is proven to be the number one reason leading to break-ups. Don’t insult or call your partner names. Instead of saying “You’re stupid” say “What you did was very stupid.” According to Gandhi ‘Hate the sin, Love the sinner’. Also, avoid cursing because it’s a huge form of disrespect to your partner and heightens the argument, making it harder to resolve.
- Don’t play the blame game — “I wouldn’t have failed my exam if you didn’t keep distracting me.” Pointing fingers in an argument and blaming the other person entirely does no good. Even though you may be right, don’t rub it in and make your partner feel like a total failure. If that’s the case then no one really wins the fight.
- Don’t ignore the issue — When some people senses an issue with their partner, they try to override it by distracting them with gifts and affection in attempt to avoid dealing with the real issue. Like when you’re pissed off because your partner did some sh*t and they’re trying to hug you, kiss you, or bring you food so that you won’t be upset. If you know there’s an issue, deal with it. Don’t sweep it under the carpet and act like all is well when there’s a huge pink elephant sitting in the room. The issue will re-surface again if it’s not addressed properly, so don’t ignore it.
- Don’t go back in the past for ammo — You know when you’re in the middle of an argument with your partner and you realise you’re losing, you start digging in the past for ammo… “You always take long to get dressed and now we missed our flight… oh and remember when you forgot to bring me that muffin at work?” What does that darn muffin have to do with anything? Bringing up dirt from the past into the current fights/arguments solves absolutely nothing. It actually makes it worst. Leave the past where it belongs, that is, in the past!!
- Give or Take space if needed — It’s normal, especially for men, to get flustered and overwhelmed in the midst of an argument. If you feel like you need some space, simply tell your partner you need some time to cool off and you will be back to finish where you left off. Take a walk or go into another room where you can be alone and then come back once you’re calmer and thinking clearer. If your partner asks for some space, just give it to them. Don’t go running after them arguing and holding them back — it will do absolutely no good. Simply let them go, wait it out and continue the discussion afterwards.
- Say what’s on your mind — If there are things you need to get off your chest in an argument, get it off. Don’t hold back because it will lead to another argument later on. So those longggg text messages we send that looks like a short story, go ahead with those. Get it all out. Talk about everything no matter how awkward. Get it all out so when you’re finished, there’s nothing pent up inside waiting to explode again.
- Apologise — It is inevitable for us to say things that we don’t mean in an argument. We make low blows and hit way below the belt. Always take the initiative to sincerely apologise to your partner for things you may have said out of anger. And mostly importantly, don’t ever go to bed angry at each other. Stay up all night and sort it out if you need to, you’ll feel much better in the morning.
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Keep Smiling – Love, Candace